Let’s go trend bashing! Plus Memes!
[This is an edited re-post from a prior Substack post on October 3, 2025.]
I was on the verge on writing this week’s post about the fact that last week, Tony Hawk’s “First 900” skateboard sold for 1.15 million smackeroos. For my non-US readers, those trade at a 1:1 rate as the dollar. That sort of article is probably ripe with potential humor opportunities, but since I can’t seem to sell an eight-year-old travel trailer for about 35% under market value, it feels a bit “raw” to me. It is Tuesday night on the 30th as I type this. It just hit me that it is nearly October, which can only mean one thing in the United States: month seven of Pumpkin Spice season.
Alrighty, I might be stretching out the ol’ exaggeration muscles on that one a bit. But not by far. Less than twenty-feet from me, which in the UK is also about twenty feet, is a nearly empty bottle of Pumpkin Spice coffee creamer in our refrigerator. It reminded me of the memes on this topic that get recycled every year. I think one of my favorites is the open box of orange 9mm Parabellum hollow point ammunition. “Don’t forget to rotate to your fall defense ammo!” it proclaimed.
I decided to look into this a bit; and also to challenge myself to make three brand new memes just for this Substack and my faithful followers. Or—hopefully they’ll be new. As we say in the author world regarding stories, there really isn’t anything new under the sun. I imagine it is the same with memes. But I’ll give making this whole “pumpkin bread from scratch” thing a try.
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Pumpkin Spice, at least in its modern iteration, was started in the 90s by Starbucks, which is headquartered in Seattle, which is known for three things: growing pumpkins, growing spice, and kicking serious butt. And they’re all out of pumpkins, spice, and butt. Sorry. I think my cliches got tangled. Actually, Seattle has nothing to do with pumpkins or spice. But Seattlites do know a thing or two about trendsetting. A quick search will produce results attributing the Emerald City with: grunge music. Oh, sure, Google AI claimed other things to be trends, too, but I have my suspicions. REI? I’m sorry Google—is a company a trend, now? Pellet stoves? Gore-Tex? Salish coast weaving?
I had to look that last one up. Apparently, in the 60s and 70s, Seattle residents appropriated Native woven blankets and poncho-type overcoats and tried to turn it “trendy.” Like we wouldn’t notice! Awwwww, Seattle! You sneaky, cheeky devils, you! Put the culture back! Back where you found it! Good dog.
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And, Seattle is home to several Satanic hotbed centers major influential corporations, such as Amazon, Starbucks, Amazon East, Boeing, Amazon: the Amazonia Center for Really Tall Women, Microsoft, Amazon 8: The Ocho, Microlimp, and the world’s best tightrope walking family, the Amazing Amazonowskis.
I can hear you all now…
You All: “Oh, c’mon, Pat! —Austin! Whatever the hell your name is! There was at least one fake corporation in there!”
Me: “You got me. Microlimp was allegedly a product, not a company. It was Amazon’s attempt to steal from Viagra’s “growing” market, but it never left the shelf. Rumor has it that the test subjects all lost interest in sex and moved back to their mother’s houses to become Twitch streamers.”
You All: “I miss me some good grunge music.”
Me: <Visibile confusion>
You All: “Whuhhh….”
Me: “You said ‘good grunge music’…” <A subtle snicker reverberates from my gut. Soon, as the chortling picks up, my flab does ‘the wave.’ In seconds, I’m belly laughing like Dr. Evil.>
You All: “What—you don’t like grunge? STP? Soundgarden? Alice In Chains? Nirvana? Pearl Jam? Smashing Pumpkins?”
Me: <Left eye twitches upon hearing the word ‘pumpkin’> “I just as soon chain myself down to an anthill, naked and covered in honey. That music makes me want to gouge out my eyes with a fork. Which is exactly what they sound like they just did when they moan and scream into the mic.”
You All: “You’re an idiot.”
Me: “Pearl Jam literally named themselves after ejaculate. But I’m the idiot.”
You All: “They’re rich and famous.”
Me: “Touche.”
Anyhow, bored with Google’s robot, I asked GPT for some new trends we might all start bashing together. It listed off a bunch of stuff I’ve never heard of. But then—who am I fooling? I could’ve asked it for the list of hot trends from 2009 and I would still be lost. Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck in the 80s or early 90s, which is dope. So I’m sticking with old faithful. In the paraphrased words of Frank Herbert [Dune], Spice makes the universe go ‘round. Like this newsletter, feel free to share the memes around! [Author Stuff below.]
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